My Daily Ramblings

So I have been trying to figure out what exactly I have learned this past year. Everyone has been asking me how my year was, what I did, what I’m doing, and what I learned. So far, due to my lack of understanding of what to say, have just said it was a good year, but it was a rough year full of ups and downs. I still am trying to figure out exactly what to say, however, I think in the midst of figuring out what to say, I have figured out what I have learned…At least one of the bazillion things, that is.

I have walked down a path of healing from past habits that I never told anyone about and thought I could fix them all on my own.

I have learned that just because you learn something once does not mean you have learned it forever. Just like in math how certain problems hold mini problems within them, so it is with learning things like choosing joy in the midst of challenging circumstances. I thought I knew the equation, but this time around, there was a little more to it. And I refused to see that I had not yet learned choosing joy to the full…If to the full was ever possible. You can never stop learning. I always thought people meant that in terms of education and schooling, and, yes, your walk with God….But I guess I didn’t understand that that applied to every aspect…Not just reading a Bible verse and having a revolution.

I have escaped bad mindsets, and am still in the process of reaching a good mindset. I have done a truck load of complaining this past year-something that, sure, I have done, but now I am known for it by my closest friends. That is when you know there is a problem. So I am still working on that…Learning to think about such things that are noble, true, right pure, admirable, lovely, excellent, worthy or praise, and so on and so forth.

I am learning that I cannot plan every detail of my life. Transition is life. Life  doesn’t have a transition here and a transition there…Transition is constantly ongoing in your life. And I have learned how to trust God on new levels, how to plan less and pray more, and grown in understanding that prayer is so powerful….It breaks barriers. Prayer goes where I can’t. It reaches 700 miles away to Rockford, IL from Tulsa, OK (and vise versa). I am so thankful for where I’m at all because of the powerful God I serve and love who hears my prayers and acts on them in His perfect timing. His timing really is perfect.

I have learned to put people first. To be fully present in conversations that I might not necessarily want anything to do with. I have to pick and choose the conversations that I am a part of wisely, but, nonetheless, I have learned a lot about listening. Sometimes listening is better than advice giving.

However, speaking of advice giving, I have learned that it does not make any difference the age of a friend and or “leader” in your life. They can be a few years younger than you, and if you are teachable, you can learn so much. And sometimes you don’t need to even give advice to a situation, just encouragement or a big hug. Physical touch can be a pwoerful form of communication when used properly and respectfully—and caringly.

I have also learned what it means to call God the “Great I Am.” He is truly the Great I Am. He is, so we don’t have to. He hurts, so our burden can be light. He is, so we can live our lives in freedom. He was, so we could be. He is, so we are. He will be, so we are capable. Does that make sense?

I learned to respect myself. I always thought I had, but it was more of a pride issue than a true, wholehearted sort of self respect out of love for my Creator and love for myself. I have dealt with feeling ugly for a long time, specifically with my face. I have had terrible acne that no medicine has been able to cure. The only thing left for my face is a light procedure that cost thousands of dollars. I can’t afford that anytime soon. So I have learned to look myself in the mirror and see past the scars and constantly recurring acne and say, I am beautiful, because, really, truly, I am. I am in God’s eyes. And if someone thinks I’m ugly, it’s because they’re missing out on a life with God. And hey, maybe my face isn’t acceptable in society’s standards, but in all honesty, what does that matter? I still have my days, but that’s when I pull out the Scripture and allow god to remind me.

I have also realized how thankful I am for a vehicle. Seriously, it enables me to go to small group while I am home. I missed that environment year round while I was in Tulsa. I hated not having a car. I thought it was so sad that nobody was willing to pick me up for small group, either. I tried so hard to get to one, and I couldn’t. And now I appreciate when I am able to go so much more. Even after one night, I had so much going on in my heart that I don’t know where to begin…

And with that said, I also came to realization that in th past year, I became so caught up in school and my pain, that I lost sight of God…My first love. I was stuck in the motions, doing what I thought I “should” do. Wow. Maybe that was all fine and dandy, but my heart had turned to stone in a sense. And last night, God shattered the barriers and reminded me of His love. He reminded me how great He was compared to my current problems and my future. I am not alone. When you are closer to God, you are, simply put, happier. Psalm 84. Read it. Study it. It is so good. And if that one chapter is revolutionary, how revolutionary is the entire Bible? I’m so excited all over again, and I am extremely thankful for a God who works the way He does. :)

So I think that brings everyone up to speed on my life. I’m not sure what else I learned, but I could go into all the good moments I did have with God this year. I guess I’ll save that for next time, because that’s a lot, too.

Huh….I guess I had a pretty good year :)

Now that my first year of college is over, the big question has transitioned from “so what are you going to do with your life?” and “what is your major?” to “how was your year?” and “did you like it?” Quite frankly, the year went by so quickly that I cannot even reflect on the year without being entirely overwhelmed by all that I went through…All that God brought me through….And all that He revealed to me in such precious and precise timing, that I cannot wrap my head around its delicacy.

I guess I will start back at the beginning and share the story in its whole. The process first began years ago when I told myself I would never go to ORU, the university my parents went to and glorified like it was the coolest thing since Aaron’s thrifty idea to build a golden calf. I was not about to throw my life away by going to some college that was just like my high school. I was tired of my high school. I was tired of being surrounded by ingenuine Christians when nonChristians were so much more….Genuine.

Then it happened. One fateful night, I realized how good my chances were of receiving an awesome scholarship at ORU. I couldn’t help myself, and I applied within a time span of 45 minutes (record timing for any college application I had thus far filled out). I filled it out semi reluctantly, but also semi hopefully. I wanted to make my parents proud with the money I earned for college.

Sure enough, I was nominated by the president himself for a running in the Whole Person Scholarship, which is basically a full ride. My dad drove us down toTulsafor the interview, which seemed to go well. A few short months later, the unfortunate truth came out that I had indeed received a large portion of the Whole Person Scholarship. It was my largest sum of scholarship money from one university, and I had been praying for God to open a door to where I was supposed to be in any and every way, seen or unseen, financially and spiritually. I assumed this was my ticket.

Though still reluctantly, I headed down to Tulsa this past August, leaving my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my church, my ability to drive, and my home behind. I thought I had prayed all summer long for preparation for this moment, but nothing could lighten the heaviness I carried in my heart that day.

This past year, somewhere along the line, I grew emotional. I cried in a movie (something I have never done before), I cried every time I left Aaron’s arms to head back to Tulsa after a break, and I cried myself to sleep more than I am willing to ever admit. Many times I would even contain myself from telling Aaron the full extent of my real feelings. He was going through a lot this year, too. A lot happened in his personal life and family life—including my sudden, long-term absence in the midst of much else. This took a toll on both of us, adding to the situation’s stressful intensity level.

Anywho, enough wallowing in the roughness. God did a lot in my life in spite of my feelings, situations, and state of heart. He blessed me immensely—with new, awesome, genuine friends, with amazing worship experiences, and with words of prophecy spoken through other people which resounded with my heart. I walked down a road of healing from some stuff I dealt with in my past that I had never told anyone. I learned what choosing joy meant on an entirely new level. I learned that you never truly master something…Whatever topic you learn about, you can always learn more. From speech giving to choosing joy in my personal life, I learned a ton. People told me things that God took a hold of their words and wrecked me. And in this past year, I know that I was taken apart—but I am not put back together yet. I am but in the dust pan, a million little pieces swept into the pan for safekeeping until something beautiful can come from my dust.

I am waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for understanding. Waiting on God with my future, and simply placing it in His hands. I am waiting for my heart to quiet down from the noisy year it took on. Waiting to hear God’s voice once more. I am waiting on my future to come. For the next step to come available, and for my heart and feet to be ready.

However, in this waiting, I am undergoing a process. Because in order to be ready, I need to be put back together again—and that is my current process. Only God knows how, but I am following Him so that it can happen. Just as a strawberry seed sees itself already as a strawberry, so am I. I see what I will be. Not what I am. I acknowledge I am not there yet, and I need more care and work before I get there, but nonetheless, I will get there. I will make it through this constant transitional phase in which I have no clue what is happening and what is coming next. I didn’t even know what was happening with this summer until God showed up through a simple facebook message a little over a month ago. Now I am in for the summer of a lifetime. I am doing an internship, though not the internship I expected or even wanted. I am getting paid, though not under the circumstances I had planned on. The results are even better than my expectations. It just goes to show that obedience does indeed bring blessing. Perhaps reluctant obedience is not obedience in full, but it’s a start. Right choices bring right emotions, as the old Mayo saying goes.

And though I receive a lot of crap from Christians and even my own friends and family about what I am doing—major-wise, summer-wise, and even in my relationship with Aaron. However, I know that God has a plan, and when He is first, everything else eventually falls into place, even if the timing seems off or the ride is rough…It is all delicately pre-thought out. Sometimes I get in the way, and sometimes this world just messes things up for me, for us. But the key is endurance. God is faithful, and I want to be the same thing to and for Him….Faithful.

Found this interesting, from my pastor, Ed Gungor, at Sacntuary Church :)

As a Pentecostal, I get that there is a bad kind of religion—the human-centered kind that tries to act in certain ways in order to earn brownie points or merit badges from God (truth is, none of us wants what we have earned from God!). Connecting with God does not happen through our performance of religious practices—connecting is all about a relationship with God and what God “performed” in Christ for us. If that is not understood, religious actions can actually kill living faith. That’s the negative side of religion—the side that sullies the innocence of faith. James called it “worthless” religion (James 1:26).

But there is another side of religion that is not bad. In the same place James spoke of “worthless” religion, he said there was a “religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless.” This is religion born from God’s initiative, and it is undefiled, innocent, and powerful.

Well, I have been thinking about how much I’ve changed. I’m going to do a list of my favorites again like we used to do back on the myspace bulletins so long ago. :)

FAVORITES

Favorite color: Aqua or green

Favorite drink: Vanilla chai

Favorite food: Chocolate covered strawberries

Favorite place: Rock Cut State Park on a trail near the quarry

Favorite hobby: Running or tasking (call me a dork…I love to organize!)

Favorite sport: To watch? Football. To play? Soccer or basketball.

Favorite music genre: Anything that sounds good (most of what I like I am told is “hipster” music though lol…or country!!!) And of course worship! :)

Favorite vacation spot: ANYWHERE outside the U.S. that has both nature and cities…Like New Zealand :)

Favorite car: I like the VW Jetta or Ford Fusions. And Camaros!!! And Jaguars! And minivans!

Favorite weather: 75 and sunny with a soft breeze (not humid)!

Favorite type of clothing: Dressses and shoes :)

Favorite clothing store: Maurices or Kohls

Favorite flower: Daisies

Favorite home cooked meal: Stir fried chicken

Favorite holiday: Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day!

Favorite pattern: Polka dots all the way

Favorite video game: Zelda:Ocarina of Time

Favorite person: Aaron Dean :)

Favorite song: Crazy Girl- Eli Young Band

Favorite memory: Oh gosh that’s hard. I think it was when God spoke to me through a guest speaker praying for me on a retreat and how I would be part of a great ministry some day. God’s presence brought me to my knees and I just knew that God was going to do awesome things through me. I am still so humbled and honored!!!!

I also love any moments I’ve spent with Aaron, especially when he asked me to be his girlfriend and when he asked me to my junior year prom with my favorite food in my favorite place!

Favorite language: Spanish!!!

Favorite season: Fall

Favorite instrument: Piano

Favorite movie: You’ve Got Mail or Despicable Me

Favorite book: Flipped was a cute one. So was the Tale of Despereaux. I’m a sucker for kid’s chapter books :)

Favorite subject: Well college goes by majors more so than subjects…I’d have to say my favorite department is behavioral sciences :)

Favorite (Dream) occupation: Be my own version of Lisa Bevere or Joyce Meyer, empowering young woman, writing books on tought topics to talk about, dating, and marriage relationships. My realistic occupation I am working towards is this on the side, but also marriage counseling :)

Favorite gum: Stride dark blue

Favorite coffee: Nonfat decaf peppermint white mocha w/whip and chocolate shavings. Yummm.

Many girls wonder why I don’t do the things they do. Why don’t I wear makeup? Why am I so pale? Why don’t I try dying my hair? Why don’t I wear jeans and a cute top to school everyday? Honestly: Because I don’t want to forget how pretty I am without it; because it’s winter and I’m not so self conscious about myself that I feel the need to get tan; because this is the hair-color God gave me and I’m keeping it; and because sweats are cheaper and more comfy. It’s not that I don’t care what I look like; In fact, I care so much that I do everything in my power not to look like the “many girls who wonder.” Because I just don’t want to forget why I don’t do the things they do.

But writer’s block has the best of me.

I’m in a super mellow mood right now.

I kind of feel lonely.

But I know I’m not alone.

I have mint cocoa with me.

I felt like a total girl today

(which is a good thing seeing as I am one!)

because I braided my bangs back and wore pretty earrings and wore make up and a semi-fashionable outfit…Not to mention I ate chocolate and was concerned with eating habits and my boyfriend and best friends back home. I love days like this though….I feel like a true girl in these moments. I just feel so pure and innocent, like I really am God’s daughter whom He loves and has restored and made new every day. I am His, and I love walking in the daughtership He has given me. :)

Yup. I live up to my title. My daily ramblings. :)

This week, I actually had time to think with all the time I’ve spent in the car, so I thought I would share them in the one place that might be worth sharing: my blog! So, here we go…There’s A LOT…

1. This past week, God spoke through my closest friend in a moment where I was more vulnerable with someone than I had ever been with anyone before. Funny how when you pour out your heart in a healthy way, God’s grace really does abound in those moments. He just wraps you up in His arms. We don’t have to do anything to receive God’s grace except receive it!

2. Christians make Christianity so unappealing nowadays. Especially with the Word of Fatih movement. Sure, it’s like a book that tells you how to be happier (basically by choosing to be happier via your words). And yes, you can speak words of life as the Bible talks about, but at the same time the entire word of faith movement has some controversiality about it. I strayed from my point. Basically, the unappealing factors include things like “when you do good things, you are blessed.” Sure, you will be blessed, but the church acts like the only way you can earn God’s grace is through an action, like you HAVE to raise your hand during service to come to know Christ or you HAVE to be baptized or you HAVE to speak in tongues or you HAVE to stop living your old life. Yes, you should stop, but you should find God in a way where you want to get rid of your old life. He Himself is appealing, but humans have messed up His true image. Not only that, but when people are sick they think it’s because they have bitterness or unforgiveness many times. Can’t you just accept God’s grace in the moment?? I need to research this a little more because I don’t know what I think about all of this. I’m just saying, nowadays faith is like pulling teeth-you have to force peopel to invite people to church. You have to follow certain rituals to be considered part of a church. You have to do this and do that in order to be considered good. If anything, Christians care more about appearance than non Christians, and isn’t that in and of istelf controversial??  My thoughts are definitely borderline controversial, but it’s because I do not know what I yet think about all of this. If you have any input or feedback, I’d love to hear it. Bible verses, opinions, experiences…You name it.

3. I was thinking this week how many topics the church doesn’t like to talk about, specifically in the high school youth department. Why is it so easy to talk about how sex is bad on stage but leaders are never taught how to deal with students who have dealt with it? Total condemnation….It causes teens hearts to harden. Guys who deal with masturbation…It’s almost considered normal. Do they ever talk about that? Girls deal with it, too. And the topic is never addressed. That only adds to the feeling that a teen is all alone in their situation, and they cannot find any help. Or even things that are controversial…Why not get the students thinking? Cause them to really understand why the believe what they believe. If the church is trying to reach everyone, they need to know what to say and back up their beliefs as well. Read the 3 books of Peter!  It just bothers me how the Bible says to be prepared to give reasoning for your faith, and yet the church does nothing to help with that.

4. God’s grace is enough. Simple as that.

5. I am destined for greatness. Nobody has ever told me that before. A person near and dear to my heart told me that this week, and it really ended up being the Lord speaking through them. And He gave this person thoughts of what I was going to do someday. Crazy thoughts!!!! They didn’t tell me everything they saw, but they just said imagining it all would even be too much for me….I kind of came to that conclusion and they just agreed. They were even overwhelemed upon talking about it with me! They said I had wisdom beyond my years because I wanted to take what I have dealt with and the fact that I use my past pain almost like a will to not let it happen to others.

6. Politics is something that even though I hate, I need to know what’s going on. I am priveleged to have the right to vote, and want to and need to take advantage of that as a Christian woman in America. When you vote for a political figure in America, it affects not only America, but many other parts of the world when you really think about it. Perhaps indirectly, but it does happen.

7. The Lord delights in me. Not what I do. Although faith without works is dead. There is a balance for everything.

8. I want to write a book on long distance relationships some day. The first chapter is going to be “Communication is Key.” In an LDR, or any relationship really, without communication, your relationship is going to go down the drain QUICK. Secondly, you need to act out love languages, and not just in accords with what you think you would like, but what you would know they would like. If they like acts of kindness, find ways to make that happen from afar and get to know their friends and make that sort of stuff happen. Even if that is their love language, don’t stop there. Remind them you love them and they are worth every mile apart and every moment away from each other with hand written letters, drawings, pictures, texts, phone pics, videos, even surprise trips to visit! Send flowers via online shops and get room mate friends in on the deal and totally surprise your man or woman. Idk…A lot goes behind a successful long distance relationship. The biggest thing is having your foundation in Christ. When God is your rock, your table, the cloth smooths over, wrinkle free, on top. Sure, there are rough moments, but that’s when you choose to keep going.

9. I hate not knowing the future in certain ways, but at the same time I know I need to plan less. I plan way too much. Today has been a great day for learning to be ok with not planning anything out. Our lives are like a mist, a vapor that will fade away quickly. I wish I knew where God wanted me to be for college. I thought I knew, and maybe I am jsut questioning a fact, but after what my dad told me yesterday about how I don’t have to even go back next semester if I didn’t want to to college…I’m going to wait and see about Aaron and what he does next year. I really want to go somewhere near him that I will like. I like ORU a lot, but I hate how far away from my home and my loved ones it is.

10. I am so tired. I don’t like it when I switch time zones. Even 1 hour totally throws me off!